“you know you’re a mom of a newborn when…”

Over the past few weeks I’ve had the luxury of realizing what it’s like to lose your mind…aka…have a newborn in your house. Here are just a few of the silly, ridiculous, embarrasing things I have done in the days since bringing our baby boy home. Welcome to my life as of late.

“You know you’re a mom of a newborn when…

you almost walk out of the house without shoes on.”

you are so out of it you put body wash in your hair while in the shower.”

you get excited when help (daddy) arrives home, because you realize you can actually take a shower.”

you almost fall asleep standing up.”

the diaper bag becomes your purse.”

you go to bed at 8:30 on a Friday night.”

you cry at least once a day (silly hormones!).”

you’ve become a pro at doing things one-handed.”

you’re pretty sure you couldn’t pass a field sobriety test/walk a straight line, not because of alcohol consumption, but due to extreme exhaustion.”

you get excited when the mail comes, because it means you get to leave the house for two minutes (because when there’s a polar vortex every other day, you don’t get out much!

love just took on a whole new meaning to you!”

Compliment vs. Creepliment

My fellow ladies, have you ever been in a situation where a guy is trying to pay you a compliment, but it is extremely creepy? If so, congratulations (and I’m sorry), you’ve fallen victim to a creepliment.

You may ask, “What exactly qualifies as a creepliment?”

Well, you’re in luck, because thanks to my awkward life first-hand past experiences, I’m able to bring you this public service announcement….a compliment versus a creepliment.

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“You have beautiful eyes”…compliment.

“You have beautiful feet”…creepliment.

Really, who pays attention to people’s feet? That’s just weird. And creepy. Now, tell me my eyes are beautiful and you’re going home to meet momma (that’s pre-married jill talking).

“You have nice hair”…compliment

“Your hair smells nice”…creepliment.

Ok, you shouldn’t be close enough to my hair to smell it, especially if I don’t know you already. Probably even if I knew you. I like my space and no dude should be invading it that much. It’s sweet to tell me you like my hair, because it can boost a girl’s confidence, but I don’t care to know that you are a fan of my Herbal Essences shampoo. Thanks, but no thanks.

“You are very pretty”…compliment.

“You remind me of my mom”…creepliment.

So, first off…in what way are you reminded of your mom when you see me? Second…what is a girl to do with this information? Third, are you attracted to your mother? I have no further questions. Whatever the case, this is the worst way to start a conversation with a girl. Period. Even if the girl does look like your mom…don’t say it.

“I love your smile”…compliment.

“I love your nails”…creepliment.

That’s funny, because I chew on my nails so they aren’t usually commented on in a positive way. Also, I wasn’t aware that guys pay attention to nails.

I hope this helps you decipher between a compliment and creepliment in the future. Although, I wouldn’t say it takes an Albert Einstein to do so. This is more for entertainment than anything. A creepliment is really just a really, really bad pick-up line.

My advice to women when you hear a creepliment: run…like Forrest Gump run.

My advice to men who give creepliments…stop. You won’t win her over  that way. I promise.

This message was brought to you on behalf of every creeped on woman from when dinasours ruled the earth to when cars fly.